I am a Ukrainian artist, based in Kharkiv – a beautiful city with a population over 1.5M, big center of science, culture, art, education and technology. Which was so unlucky to become located less than 40 km from the Russian border.

And this is my today’a working routine as a Ukrainian Kharkiv based artist. I woke up in the basement. Barely slept 3 hours since 5 am of the previous day. After that my partner, our friend and I packed our stuff and cats and came back to our apartment, as it was quiet outside and no predicted shellings occurred. We expected that we would be able to sleep. We prepared and ate dinner - I understood that the last time I ate something was when we just came to the basement for the first time yesterday. And it was one protein bar.

After having some rest we were going to unite with my mum in her car and go together to the blood donation center. But we didn’t manage to, because we heard loud noises of explosions, which seemed to come from a very nearby area. Then we got the news about the air alert. We packed everything back and ran down to the basement again. While we were there, Russian troops were firing at our city with «Grad», «Uragan» and «Smerch» rocket systems, combat projectiles fell in the different districts of Kharkiv, all of them close to the center and all of them – at the civil living districts. One shot my friend’s apartment, luckily no one was there at that moment. After everything got slightly quieter, we decided to go up again and have some sleep. We still heard explosions, but they were very very distant.

Though we didn’t manage to sleep this time either. When I was about to fall asleep, I got an informational alert message. And it said that there were bomber planes spotted just near our city. We packed everything again and this time it took us no more than 5 minutes. Even cats were super easy to catch this time. We went down to the basement again and from there we already heard explosions, and taking into account that the walls of our basement are 1 m thick – we understood that these explosions are too loud to be far from us. Then I read the news that Russia fires cassette rockets at different districts, at civil peoples houses. Citizens report shootings and war machines on the city’s border. Thanks to our warriors, they took them down very quickly. But it still continues. Explosions everywhere. We don’t hear them anymore and that makes us feel better, but not much.

Recently we got advice from the government through the messenger for all the people who live in high buildings to go and check the roofs – for marks that saboteurs may leave for aircrafts to aim at. My neighbours went to check quickly.

And at the same time we sit in the basement, listening to the explosions, we read the text of the Putin’a speech in which he calls our country «captured by drug-addict neo-nazi forces» and that our army uses women and children as living shields, so that we should be happy to be “saved” by Russia.

That’s what I do as a Ukrainian Kharkiv based artist in my home city, on my home land, in the center of Europe, in the year 2022.

Please share my story and show it to all over the world. Thanks. Death to the occupants. Glory to Ukraine!

Soon I will be able to update my LinkedIn profile with the following skills:

- define by sound the “Grads” and aviation, and how far the rocket has hit;

- dress up within 30 seconds (if you have undressed at all);

- quickly catch scared cats and put them into the bag;

- collect everything and go down to the bunker in less than 5 minutes;

- build barricades;

- make Molotov cocktails;

- see in the darkness;

- answer to hundreds of people that write me, express their support and ask how they can help, in a short time;

- maintain good mood and spirit and comfort people who are in panic or nervous;

I never asked for this, but now I am a fucking combat machine and have balls of steel.

We are now passed through the Day 7 of war In Ukraine. My home city, my beautiful Kharkiv, is being heavily bombed for 4 or 5 days in a row already, but actually I’m not sure how long is it being going.

I hear warplanes flying above our heads. Several times we heard the explosions so nearby that our windows were shaking and the cars’ alarms outside started screaming. Some were so close and loud we ran out of our flat barely dressed and with no shoes.

But some things became usual for us. Like when we stay upstairs in our flat and we hear distant explosions – we even do not move to run to the basement, because we know that they’re bombing someone else’s homes, not ours. Also we got used to the darkness – we are lucky to have all the communications working in our house, like electricity, water and heating (because other districts have their communications cut off very often), but after the sun sets we do not switch on the light in our flats, because that can drive the attention of our enemy – or marauders, or saboteurs. We started to perfectly see in the dark. Because you cannot also switch on the lighter on your phone, because through the windows when the night falls and it’s completely, extremely dark out there – its light could be quite clearly seen.

Apart from the complete darkness, it is so silent outside (of course when there are no shellings). Our city has never been so empty and silent. Though I cannot tell for sure – the last time I’ve been outside was on Day 1 of the war.

Oh, no, today I went to the fresh air once – it was for several minutes when I helped my mom, who escaped her district and managed to arrive to us, to take out her stuff from the car. Then I heard those very loud explosions. Today they really got very close.

But I have my mom here now, we are finally together! Previous six days she spent with her friends in the basement near her house in Saltivka district – the second largest living district in Ukraine with the population of almost 1/2 of million people, which consists mostly of 9-floor panel houses. The Russian artillery and warplanes aim specifically to those kinds of areas – because they can have many more civilians killed there.

Russian commandment is really angry on Kharkiv and other East Ukrainian cities like Mariupol, and they literally bomb are bombing us with their anger. They don’t even dare to get closer by the ground anymore – because their ground troops are so demoralized and unmotivated, that they surrender just seeing our Ukrainian warriors on the horizon. That’s why they fire at us with the rockets, launched from the warplanes 4-5 times a day. They use the missiles that are banned for use by Geneva convention – vacuum bombs and «Smerch» cassette missiles. They also send rockets from their own territory, from the bases nearby the city of Belgorod, which is also very close to the border.

Why are they doing this to us? Well, because they were thinking that Kharkiv would surrender without a single shot. They were thinking that because of Kharkiv is geographically and historically close to Russia, because people here have roots or families or a lot of relatives in Russia, because we are bilingual region where people speak Ukrainian and Russian – they were thinking that we here will meet them with flowers when they enter our city, as «liberators», as «saviours». But the only flowers that we have for them - are two carnation flowers. This kind of flowers, an even number of them, in Ukraine we usually put onto the graves. But we won’t be able to put them onto the graves of Russian soldiers. Because they even have no graves here.

Today the 10th day of the full-scale war comes to its end. Actually I’ve already lost count of the days, I hardly remember what day of the week is it. Fortunately, this day and the previous one were a bit more quiet than usual. We even spend the majority of our time in our flat, not in the shelter. And when we hear the close explosions, we rarely go downstairs, just run to the communal corridor of our house. The walls of this building are quite thick, and we feel kind of protected. We always remember “the rule of two walls” that is being learnt by heart by all the Ukrainians these days. It means that you need to have at least two walls between you and the missile when it hits your house.

On the night of the Day 9 we decided to stay and sleep in our beds at home, but at 2 am we were woken up by very loud explosions. I don’t remember putting my shoes on and taking my stuff and running to the shelter, I know that I immediately fell asleep again there. I have no dreams these nights, neither good dreams, nor nightmares.

I miss the silence – the real silence of calmness, from which you do not expect something terrible to come out. Here we don’t trust the silence anymore. We don’t hear the explosions for long and we immediately start asking ourselves, if it is for good or not. I hear the sounds of explosions and sounds of approaching warplanes in any sound – in a working air conditioner, in water pouring from the tap, in the noises from our neighbours that we hear in the corridors or in the yard. Sometimes my own blood pulsating in my head sounds like a distant bombardment.

Our basement is also silent though. Many neighbours managed to leave – by cars, by trains, by buses. Some of them went to the railway station and then came back, because they couldn’t catch the train, and after experiencing the nightmare of the crushing crowd, refused to try one more time.

Some new people arrived instead of those who left – relatives and friends of our neighbors who escaped from more dangerous areas. They spend some time with us and then leave to continue their sad trip to the west. All of them say that we in our basement have really luxurious conditions, compared to what they have had in their previous places of stay.

I noticed these people do not lie freely on our blankets, they sit still even when there is plenty of space around, even though I see how tired they are. I saw the child sleeping on her mother’s lap, they didn’t dare to lie on our blankets, though we offered them to everyone for sharing. I don’t know why, maybe they still cannot not believe they are safe now. I wonder if they will ever be able to believe in that.

I don’t know if I will. I feel so unprotected, so naked in my own home. I do not undress, even when I go to sleep, only take my shoes off. I am afraid to turn on the music in my headphones, to watch a movie, afraid to go to the shower or simply wash my face and brush teeth – because I’m afraid to miss the sounds of an approaching warplane or the sounds of the explosions that come too close. I prefer silence now – but if it lasts too long, it scares me even more.

Many people ask me how we are surviving here, do we have enough food, water and other necessary things. And it’s a bit strange for me to answer that we actually have everything – I bet people don’t believe me when I say that. And there’s a reason they don’t believe, because yes, for thousands of my fellow Ukrainians in different cities the situation is really extremely tough for now – especially in the cities that are being blocked by Russian troops who do not let anyone inside and do not let anyone to get out of there, like Mariupol and Volnovakha. And even in my home Kharkiv there are a lot of districts where the communications were cut off during the shellings, so that people had to survive without water and electricity. I consider myself and my neighbors sort of lucky, because in our area we never experienced anything like that… yet, and I hope we will never experience it.

Though in such tough conditions the surprising thing is that our city communal services are still working, and working 24/7 even under the falling Russian missiles. They do their best to try to fix as soon as possible the damages that were made to the communications, for example my grandmothers who live in Saltivka district – very populated and that’s why the most bombed district right now – haven’t had the electricity for 3 days, but by today everything has been fixed. We also see communal services workers cleaning the streets all the time, we saw the snow blowers a few days ago. We even have our garbage removed as usual. All this just surprises us a lot and makes us very proud of our city. The communal service workers say that if Russia doesn’t let them keep Kharkiv clean, they will go to Moscow and kick all their asses there. That’s definitely inspiring.

Also supermarkets are working, not during the entire day, but we still can get food and everything necessary. They have fresh delivery in the morning, so you really need to go early and queue, because if you are late there is a risk that there won't be anything left. We went to buy some groceries several times, together with some of the neighbours, and we bought food for everyone to share. My Mom helps in cooking and she cooks for us the dishes that I haven’t eaten since my childhood or since I’ve moved from her house to live with my boyfriend, and that makes me really happy. Unfortunately we cannot reach some districts and the supermarkets there by car, because we are located on the other side of the river and the barricades have been established on many important bridges, to prevent the enemy's invasion. That’s why it’s easier to move around some parts of the city by foot. But we are quite okay with what we have near our house, the only thing that bothers us is that we couldn’t go to the Botanical Garden, where the source with a very clean fresh water is located. We wanted to take a lot of bottles of water from there, to supply everyone for a longer period. But still we can get water from the supermarket and also we have a little water filter in our flat – it was brought to us by our friend Andriy, who stayed with us in the basement for the first 7 days and then managed to flee to Lviv together with his girlfriend.

Besides that, humanitarian aid is quite well distributed around the city. They give you bread, fresh water and some various foods. The easiest way to receive it is to go down to any metro station, also they give it away in schools, post offices and some administrative buildings. My grandpas often go to the nearest schools to receive the aid, last time they were also given packs of frozen dumplings and pancakes with meat. But my grandmother bakes bread on her own, she has a small baking device. My mom went to visit them two days ago and grandma gave us several hand-made breads of her own.

I have two grandmas and two grandpas, they all live in that district that is being bombed so heavily since the very beginning of the invasion – but no one of them wants to leave. They have cars and both my grandpas can drive. They are all quite healthy and they have a clear mind – but they told us they would stay. We cannot explain their decision, but we are not trying to persuade them anymore. Though it’s quite understandable why one wants to stay in their own house, on their own land, and why one can be too afraid to go somewhere else. My boyfriend, my mom and myself are not leaving for our own reasons as well. These days both decisions to stay and to flee require a lot of strength and a lot of courage to be taken.

When the third week of the full-scale war began, I noticed that we also entered some new psychological phase. I read a bit about it, the sources say that it’s normal, that mental health may experience a lot of ups and downs in such a huge and long-lasting stress. And that’s exactly what we feel now. After the euphoria and adrenaline rush of the first weeks, when the events developed so fast and each next huge success of our army was a great surprise and joy for us – we have found ourselves very exhausted of everything. And even the victories that our soldiers continue to gain became a bit of a routine. No, we still are proud and happy when we hear about every success. But we are expecting some big event to happen, something that will stop this war already or at least something that will give us a sign when it will be stopped. Meanwhile our enemy hasn’t stopped bombing us, so each next news about a destroyed building or killed people hurts us more and more. We are tired of seeing all these deaths and destruction – even though we personally see them only through the screens of our devices. The longer this war lasts, the more the Russian artillery and aviation continue their attacks – the more the fear that it is coming closer and closer and that someday it finally reaches us – this terrible and sticky fear is growing inside us. I see it in our neighbours behaviour – they now react to some things much more emotionally than even when the invasion has just started. We try not to think about what we are going to do if the next building hit by the missile will be our own house.

During the last two or three days the shellings became more intense. We think that it is somehow connected to the negotiations that are taking place now. The similar thing happened before as well, right in the days of talks the number of rockets falling on our heads from the skies was increasing quite a lot. And two days ago, when we were preparing to sleep in the basement, we heard a series of very loud explosions. They felt like it was happening just above us, even the walls of our shelter were shaking. We immediately stood up from our mattresses and ran to the lower level of the basement. We stayed there, frozen in terror, looking up without any movement. We were sure that this time it was our house that was hit. Everyone was very quiet, just waiting for something, either good or bad. After all sounds from outside disappeared, we slowly and carefully went to the upper level of the basement, to catch some internet and check the news in local Telegram channels. We saw that the huge historical market, located only 100 meters from our house, was hit, and the fire had started there. Our neighbours who dared to go and check if their windows on the 3d floor were still there, told us they saw smoke from that fire covering our entire district. One woman desperately tried to reach her granddad, who lived in that area, but he didn’t answer. She burst into tears and went into a real hysterics after he picked up the phone and said that he was just out to smoke a cigarette and didn’t take his telephone with him. I also saw my mother’s shoulders and hands shaking after that. I understood how close we got to that borderline which separated us from the state of a total panic.

And suddenly we had our electricity cut off. We found out that it was due to the construction work in the district – the missile and the fire damaged the line. The city services told us that we are going to have no electricity and heating for at least two days. That was the moment when I felt panic, because having no electricity means eventually having no internet and mobile connection. I think that becoming cut off from the outside world, not being able to call my beloved ones and find out if they are alive even and to tell that I’m still alive myself – like 300,000 people in the city of Mariupol now! – that is what I’m afraid of the most. Luckily we had the electricity fixed much sooner than two days after that – the next morning already. I’ve never been happier to be able to charge my phone. I think I will never blame our communal services for doing something wrong after the war is over.

My boyfriend Hlib joined the civil defence troops about two weeks ago. Since then I’ve seen him two times only, for a few minutes each – when my Mom and I drove to hand over some useful stuff for him and his comrades, and Hlib met us to pick them up. Now he is on the military base and doing training with their newly formed unit.

He cannot tell details about their location or about the specifics of their work, obviously. The only information I have is that he was appointed assistant grenade launcher and that the main responsibility of their unit will probably be patrolling the city and eliminating the enemy’s machines in case they dare to enter the city somehow, like it happened on Day 4 or Day 5. Also they change their location once for 5-7 days, in order not to get tracked. If their location is revealed somehow the enemy may fire at it at night, that happened before with other military bases, and many warriors were already injured and killed in their sleep this way.

Hlib knew he would join the troops since November. According to our plan that we had for the case of war (which we couldn’t implement) he would drive my mom, cats and some most valuable stuff to the west, and then he would come back and fight. And when the full-scale war started on 24.02 he knew that he would go there immediately, but first week we had to stay in the basement, as the shellings were really heavy. And of course he needed to make sure that me, my mother and his sister are safe. He phoned to the office of the civil defence everyday – and every day he heard that there were no vacant places. That’s true, during the first week there were long queues of volunteers who wanted to fight for their homeland. I believe that by now more than 150,000-200,000 volunteers have joined the civil defence. In Kharkiv they even had to reject people because they had no weapon to supply each of them. But at the end Hlib managed to join the additionally formed unit. He is very proud that he can do something to protect Ukraine, protect his family and his very identity and freedom that Russia wants to take from everyone of us. And I’m very proud of him.

Of course I’m afraid that he would be killed there. I am afraid of that every day. But the thing is that here in Kharkiv – you cannot be safe, wherever you are. Me, my mother and our neighbours may die any moment from the missile that is dropped on our house. Hlib may die from the enemy’s bullet – or similarly, if someone would reveal their location and the Russians fire at it. I think we came close to that point where death doesn’t seem something unusual, unfamiliar to be afraid of – it’s there for us every moment, wandering around, approaching for a while, then moving away.

I was afraid of death before, and I was afraid that my beloved ones would die. And I can’t say that I’m not afraid anymore, I still am. I think here we just learned how to leave with this fear. We became really close friends with it.

I’m often asked if I hate Russians now.

These kinds of questions make me feel a bit confused – and actually even a bit angry. Then I remember that for the people who are not here, who are not at war – it can really not be so obvious.

The thing is that war really divides the world into black and white, without any greys – the greys are for the peaceful times. Clear border between you and the enemy is the matter of survival. We cannot see any semitones in those who are killing us right now – basically we don’t have any time for that. So when I’m asked if I hate Russians I am confused and angry, because I know that when I (obviously) answer with «yes», I will be immediately told something like «Why? Not all the Russians are supporting the war!». And I don’t have any time and desire to explain my hate – and I think I have a full right not to do that, I have a full right to hate the Russians. Because that’s me who is sitting in the basement under the Russian bombs falling on my city, while my family and friends are in danger or had to run away in order not to be killed. And I say «Russians», and not just «Putin» or someone else – because it’s them, people of Russia, regular citizens of Moscow, St.Petersburg, Vladivostok, etc, who have been supporting Putin, supporting his imperialistic ambitions, and the whole colonialist discourse of modern Russia during all these years. Even if they haven’t been doing that openly. But they let this monster rise and attack, all of them – both who were loud pro-putiners and those who were not loud enough in their protest.

There are also some moments why we can’t think good about Russians, like the people in other countries may be able to do.

And it’s not just about all lies and insane propaganda that is being developed in Russia and that we can witness more directly than foreign people – because we understand the language and we have access to more local Russian-speaking resources. Not only because we hear what they keep telling about us on their TV, calling us nazis and denying our identity and our very right to live our lives independently. Not just about all their crimes towards the Ukrainian people that are being silenced and distorted by the Russian propaganda machine (for example they say that it’s we ourselves who are firing at us, while the Russians came here to save us).

It’s about what we hear directly from the Russian people whom we know and whom we were friends and even families with. Here in Kharkiv – and in the whole eastern part of Ukraine they are destroying so violently right now – you can barely find a person who doesn’t have any connections with Russia. My aunt has lived in Moscow since her 18, and my dad had to go there for work several years ago. I have many relatives and friends in many Russian cities, especially in Belgorod, which is only around 70 km from Kharkiv, and from where Russian rockets are being launched to Kharkiv civil districts right now. And Hlib, and many people I know, as well. So that’s why it’s been a bit difficult (personally for me for sure) to feel the pure hate towards the regular Russian people, even after the 2014 when the war actually started. Many people from the East of Ukraine, as I know, still used to have some illusions that if putin decides to start a war, Russians wouldn’t support him and resist.

But during these days you can’t even imagine how many messages my family and neighbors get from their relatives and friends from Russia, where they say to us, who are hiding from the Russian missiles at the same moment, that we are lying, that no one is bombing us, that all the photos of the destroyed city that we take directly from our windows are photoshopped… You cannot imagine how many families and friendships broke because of this invasion – even more than in 2014 – because Russians rather believe their propaganda than what their closest people say (of course if these closest people are Ukrainians).

Hlib lost his two friends in Russia, with whom he was in quite good relationships for years – or rather they have lost him because they supported the actions of their president and Hlib simply couldn’t forgive them this. Also I dare to say that Hlib lost almost his entire family who were in Kharkiv – dad, mom, grandfather, grandmother and youngest sister – because despite the fact that they lived in Kharkiv, they were brainwashed by Russian propaganda (which unfortunately can easily infiltrate into minds of people in any country) so much, that even being themselves under the shellings, hearing the sounds of explosions around, they kept denying that those were Russians who were firing at them and that it was putin who ordered them to do so. Hlib’s father almost sabotaged his elder sister Kira’s evacuation, because he didn’t want her to go to the western regions «occupied by Ukrainian nazis» (at the end we managed to evacuate Kira to Lviv and now she’s safe). And of course they now consider Hlib as a traitor, because he joined the Ukrainian army. Few days ago Hlib found out that father wants to evacuate the rest of the family to Russia. They still believed that Russia is the «savior» and that they will be treated well there. Since then they never spoke again.

Many of my elder relatives haven’t spoken with me for a while too. My godfather hasn't even called me to find out if I’m okay. Many people whom I considered friends unfollowed me on social media. With one of my two grandmothers we spoke only once during all this time. They don’t like my active pro-Ukrainian position and still do not believe that it’s Russia who invaded us and it’s only their fault in what’s happening here. My grandmother hears the explosions every hour, she doesn’t have electricity for a week already, because the line was damaged by a missile – but when we tell her about Russian artillery and troops, she says in surprise «Russians? What Russians?»

My aunt from Moscow called me once, she said that she’s very sorry for everything. My father is still there. I’m afraid about their safety.

It’s been several days already since we have entered the second month of the full-scale war. I don’t like to sum up things or think about what I have learned or understood during a certain period. I don’t even try to realize how much my life has changed compared to the life before 24.02 – better just to accept the fact that it will never be the same.

Even some things that the war incorporated into our daily routine – things that seemed terrible and just impossible before – have become so usual that I even stopped noticing them at all. For example the air alarms, or the sounds of explosions, sleeping in the basement, or spending the evenings in almost complete darkness. Being triggered by every sudden, even a very silent, noise is also quite a regular thing for us now. For this reason many people say that after the victory all fireworks should be banned in Ukraine forever.

People began to come back to Kharkiv. It’s said that there are even some traffic jams at the entrance to the city. Communal workers are cleaning the streets and preparing city parks and gardens for the spring season. Every day it gets warmer and warmer. Everyone is happy to see the trees turning green bit by bit – but not just because it’s the sign of spring. Green leaves and green grass is the best camouflage for our soldiers and guerrillas, ideal for successful sudden attacks.

Though the shellings are still continuing, and still remaining quite intensive in some districts, people are advised to get back to their «normal lives'» – to their jobs, families, and daily routines. But the thing is that this old «normality» doesn’t exist anymore, and the new one hasn’t been invented yet. So many people just freeze in this in-between condition, unable to move in any direction. I cannot even imagine what people who have lost something or someone (or even everything and everyone) feel in this situation. They are told to try to live further, and they know they need to - but how is that possible after what has happened, and how can one dare to do that?

But sooner or later we all will need to get out of this frozen state, to find resources to continue our life and fight, to work for our country, to restore and rebuild the cities. All of us will have to deal and cope with this trauma forever, and all of us will be suffering from the survivor syndrome.

Well, actually I learned something during this month, about people around me and about myself. I learned that we Ukrainians have really become a united, solid nation – and I have a strong feeling that we’ll manage to rebuild our country very soon. It is said that more than 90% of Ukrainians who have left the country will come back immediately when it becomes possible. And these days we, Ukrainians, go to the streets and help to clean them already, by our own initiative. We share, we support each other, we volunteer, we provide services for free, we are ready to help strangers in trouble anytime and at any cost. We donate our last money to the Army and humanitarian needs. We raise hundreds of thousands of dollars just in a couple of days to help not only people, but also animals. We can self-organize fast and act more effectively than the biggest institutions or foundations. There’s a joke that Ukrainian volunteers can find anything, even a unicorn’s horn – you just need to post a request on Facebook. And it’s not like the war changed us. It simply vividly showed what the Ukrainians have always had.

And I understood about myself that I really have power, despite I always thought that I was rather a thinker than a fighter. Now I see that thought and word may be an effective weapon too. Also now I understand that I will never leave my city, my country. It’s hard to explain, it is just what you have deep inside. Something very much similar to love – which is always connected with the strong feeling of responsibility. I think we all feel this responsibility now. That’s why I just cannot leave my Kharkiv, despite the fact that I’m able to, and I’m warmly invited to any country, to any place on Earth. But I don’t want to go. To stay in Kharkiv and meet our victory here, at home – that’s my biggest wish so far.

How can one live further after Bucha, Mariupol, Borodianka, Hostomel, Irpin, Chernihiv, Kramatorsk? How is it possible not to go completely insane, to stay strong even despite all the horrible atrocities that we all have seen there?

That Sunday, when the first photos from Bucha were published, I felt what it is – when the entire nation, every single person dives into a total desperate grief. We all saw that the Russians had come to eliminate us all – men, women, children, elders, Ukrainian and Russian speaking, everyone. We understood that those thousands of garbage bags and mobile crematoriums that we heard in the news Russians took with themselves here – weren’t for them, but for us. I couldn’t imagine that I’ll ever see pure evil in my life – I’ve never believed in pure good or evil actually – but that day I saw it. If it still sounds naive or too radical for you – please take a look at the photos from Bucha once again.

My Mom cried that day for the first time since the very Day 1. I was hugging her while she was crying on my shoulder, but I couldn’t cry myself. I was just thinking that I shouldn’t cry now – for my Mom, because it would cause her even more pain to see me crying.

I’m not a psychologist and I don’t know how one should help themselves to cope with things like that. I know that each person is living through this in their own way. Crying is normal, as well as not crying. Being desperate is normal, as well as being brave. We share this grief, but each of us expresses it differently, depending on how their individual organisms react to that kind of stress. I don’t blame anyone for their reaction, but I don’t have any recipe of how to cope with this in a less painful way.

Many people ask me how can I stay so positive among all these horrible events, how can I keep my spirits so high. I used to answer that there are 3 things that keep me positive: first is my rage towards the Russians, second is my strong desire to help my country, and the third is our Armed Forces and how bravely they fight for us every day. But to be honest the question is much more complex.

The truth is that I don’t know what helps me to stay strong. I think that I’m very lucky – because we are staying in a more or less safe place, I still have a home, my family is okay, and I don’t have anyone killed or injured among my loved ones. I haven’t seen those atrocities with my own eyes – only through the screen of my smartphone, maybe that’s what also protects my mental condition. I don’t know how I would have reacted, how would my organism have tried to protect itself from complete breakdown if I saw all this, if I experienced it myself. I’m afraid I would have gone insane.

Actually when the invasion began my psyche turned out to be way more stronger than I expected. You can never know everything about your real inner strength until you face some real stress, like war. All my resources mobilized for a fight, switched to the fully prepared mode. And the mind suddenly became very clear. I was feeling rage and anger – emotions that I used to suppress before – but that time I understood that I needed to stick to them, to keep them always inside me and to grow them even more. Because they weren’t abstract and aimless anymore – those were the rage and anger towards the enemy, the most productive emotions for a battle. Only they could help to fight despair, confusion and panic – the most dangerous things at war. Our enemy wants us to be desperate, to be afraid, to panic, and thus agree to accept any conditions they would propose to bring the peace back – agree to surrender. But – as we saw in Bucha - to surrender would still mean death for us, because they came here to destroy us all anyway. So the rage was a means of survival. And still is. Rage together with a cold mind.

This is what helps, even after Bucha, Irpin, Mariupol, Kramatorsk. By doing all these horrible things to us, violent, brutal, demonstrative atrocities, the Russians try to intimidate us, to make us unable to resist. But it doesn’t work with us – because Ukrainians are free and brave people, we are not cowardly slaves. Our rage has only grown, and with every tortured, raped and killed Ukrainian – not only humans, but animals as well! – it grows bigger and bigger.

Everyone feels that, but I know that not every person is capable of coping with that rage and grief, of putting them in a proper direction. It’s not about weakness of course, just about the resource of an organism – and, yes, luck. I’m lucky to have my resources in their full power. That’s why I’m responsible for supporting and sharing this resource with those who need it. That’s why I stay positive, keep my spirits high and try to raise people’s spirits by posting positive and motivating content in social media. I know that I need to do this, as real work actually, because it’s so important at war. People need positive energy, despite all the horrors, to keep fighting on the battlefield, to keep helping the refugees, volunteering, treating the injured, taking care of families, working for the country’s economy, making art. And if I’m capable of making my contribution to it somehow – I will do that.

Now it really seems that a new phase of the war has started. We in Kharkiv felt it very well, as the Russian shellings got even more intense during the recent two weeks. I know that many people outside Kharkiv were afraid that the Russians would now try to occupy our city, but we here really understood that it would be impossible for them to succeed in it. Especially now, when they have lost so many soldiers and equipment, and when Kharkiv became a true fortress. Russia keeps threatening us, but just not to let our defenders go and help their comrades in Donbas. But what else we understood pretty well – is that Russians would fire at us so violently like they probably never did before. And so it happened. On one day the shellings of Saltivka district, where my mother lives, continued non-stop, and her house that had been lucky enough to stay untouched before – was damaged, and many of our neighbours lost all the windows in their apartments. Still my mother’s apartment remained fine somehow, though the missiles have been falling directly in our yard. I am really happy now that we managed to bring my mom to our place, which is so much safer compared to that neighbourhood.

Also there were several brutal rocket attacks at the central part of the city, with many people killed and injured, much more than before. We were in the city when one of the rockets hit – we heard it whistling in the sky above our heads, like a racing car, and then we heard a huge explosion, so loud that even my ear hurt during the next few hours. About the next rocket hits we’ve found out from the news, somehow we haven’t heard them from our apartment, though they were quite close to us. One of my favourite streets, by which I used to walk to the art academy every day, was hit, and the academy itself seems to be damaged quite a lot as well.

But even in these terrible times there is a place for happiness and joy. One of Hlib comrades – Misha - decided to get married with his girlfriend Svitlana, and asked us to be their best man and bridesmaid. The wedding took place early in the morning on the Day 54, everyone gathered in the town council of one of the Kharkiv small suburb towns – because in Kharkiv itself the registry offices don’t work still. There was another couple getting married – the groom was from the same battalion as Hlib and Misha. There were a lot of guests – all men in military uniform, many of them hiding their faces, and actually some women were in the uniform too, but most of them were wearing nice dresses. The ceremony was held in a small room which seemed to be used before as a regular office of the town council, but for that special purpose it was decorated with balloons and flowers. The procedure was much shorter than usually – actually everything happens faster at war. These days couples can get married easier than ever, there’s no need even for one of the partners to be present, also the ceremony can be held via Zoom. But among all the weddings that I’ve been to or have seen – this one was the most touching. It felt so genuine, so honest, and everyone around, not only the grooms and brides, were so happy. I guess it’s because among all these horrible events you begin to really value such things, and all your positive emotions are doubled in their intensity – because of their doubled preciousness. Also you are truly enjoying the moment – how many times we were told to do that by all those motivational speakers! But here you have no other choice but to enjoy it – as you understand and feel that each next moment your life may end.

The commandment gave to the newlyweds the presents on behalf of the battalion – the multi-cooking devices and pampers for one of the couples (they had a 2-months baby boy). After the ceremony of exchanging rings and signing the documents, we went out of the building to go to the nearby hotel for a little after-party. Before we left, Hlib’s and Misha’s lieutenant approached us and gave them two bags – one with colourful balloons and another with paper ribbons. We decorated Misha’s car with those balloons – and it looked so funny, so full of pure happiness and love, especially among the empty streets, checkpoints and people in military uniform, in this atmosphere of tension and readiness to fight. We saw how all the people smiled when they saw this car passing by them.

The after-party was small, rather short, but very cozy. We ate sandwiches and drank champagne – which was not very legal, as on the territory of Kharkiv region all the alcohol is banned, but somehow Misha managed to get a bottle, and their commandment allowed them to have a drink, as it was the wedding and the guys were officially given days-off. Misha felt a huge regret that they couldn’t celebrate the wedding as it is supposed to be celebrated in his home city – he’s from Ivano-Frankivsk, which is in the West of Ukraine, and where there are plenty of old traditions that are kept very seriously. But we promised him that after the victory we’ll definitely come to his city and celebrate a proper wedding – with a lot of guests, a ceremony in church and all the necessary Ukrainian rituals. And also we of course will come to baptize their future baby.

Actually me and Hlib are kind of engaged too – I made a proposal to him while he was making Molotov cocktails in our bunker on Day 4. But we decided that we want to celebrate our wedding in Crimea – in liberated, Ukrainian Crimea, and that we’ll invite all our friends from all over the world to it

The war has been going on for more than 70 days already, and most of the time my Mom (whose name is Olga too) lives with me. We haven’t spent so much time together since I moved out from my parents home to live with Hlib 6 years ago. And I’m very happy to have her by my side now, especially after Hlib left to join the army. I understood that during the war it’s so important not to stay alone, to have someone who can share with you not only the daily tasks, but also the everyday fight for your own life and mental health. Mom always was a great support for me, and now, in a full-scale war, I felt it even stronger than before. And it’s hard to imagine how I would live through this war if she wasn’t here with me. While I’m working on so many frontlines – informing people globally about our life under Russian shellings, making art, volunteering and also continuing with my regular remote job as a designer – she took most of the daily routine tasks from me, like cooking, doing groceries, taking care of cats, etc. And her efforts allowed me not only to focus on my tasks, but also feel better because I am certain that this part of our life that she’s now controlling will be completely fine. Also, for sure, I can talk to her about different things, we can laugh and cry together, share and discuss news, resolve problems – or just hold each other’s hands or hug each other without saying anything. These simple things that you might not have considered essential in the peaceful times, something that was felt so usual - now you realize how much power they can give. I suppose I will remember it and value it till I die. And I will be so much thankful to my Mother for being there for me – before and today especially.

I’m also really glad that my grandparents don’t stay alone either. They have each other, and they have us, we are in touch every day and visit them at least once a week. I know it’s difficult for them too, but it could be so much worse if they weren’t together, this way they can cope with the situation somehow, and actually I’m very proud of them and about how they manage to cope. My grandmothers Vira and Iryna, each in their own house, began to grow seedlings – peppers, eggplants and tomatoes. They used to do it on their balconies every year, in early spring, to move all the plants to their village gardens then. But this year it’s impossible for them to go there, as there’s constant danger of the shellings even in the «safe» areas of Kharkiv region. Several weeks ago the rocket hit a church in grandma Iryna’s neighbouring village, though it’s quite far away from the frontline. And the village where my grandma Vira and grandpa Serhiy have their house and the garden is occupied by the Russian troops for more than a month already. They don't even know what’s with their house, is it still untouched. Grandma Vira cries every time when thinking about her trees that remain covered with the fabrics that they used to use in winter to protect them from snow and frost. She is afraid that the trees may die because they don’t receive enough air and water through this cover. But despite everything, they do not lose their hope and they are talking about their future work in the garden as if they are going to start it tomorrow already. We keep telling them that they shouldn’t go soon, even after the village is liberated, because there were active fights in that direction, and many roads can be mined. Meanwhile, their balcony gardens grew really tall and rich. A week ago, grandma Iryna had her birthday, and we visited her and her husband, grandpa Eugene, together with Mom, grandma Vira and grandpa Serhiy. It was the first time since New Years Eve when my grandparents met each other again – they are good friends and usually meet quite often, and call each other by phone almost every day. Grandmas discussed their balcony gardens for hours. They decided that they would plant their seedlings in each other’s house yards – grandma Vira would bring her plants to grandma Iryna’s yard, and vice versa, Iryna would bring hers to Vira’s yard. So if they are not able to go to their village gardens, they’ll make for themselves the gardens in the city.

I like their approach, and I like that despite the war and all the atrocities happening, Ukrainians still think and care about nature and the land. It is not only about the elders and their gardens - but also about the country’s sowing campaign that has started even on the temporary occupied territories. And it’s about the city’s parks and gardens, and even about the lawns along the streets – when I see how the city services workers and regular citizens taking care of them, planting the flowers, cutting the grass, tying up the trees, I feel great warmth in my heart. When I see how my homeland, my Motherland, is blooming, turning green, living despite everything, how nature prevails over human destructivity and violence – it brings me hope. And what my grandparents do also inspires me incredibly – how they keep taking care of their little home gardens, how they are discussing their future garden works and their future harvest, having no doubts that they would have a chance to visit their land again soon. «How can we have doubts? That what we used to do always, that what our parents, grandparents and grand-grandparents used to do always, to keep cultivating their land, no matter what’s outside - wars, revolutions, red terror, famine, nuclear disaster or else». That's what they said to me. «How can we do something else than this?». Through them, I myself learn so much about Ukraine and our people.

In Ukraine we don’t celebrate Mother's Day really – we used to greet mothers, like all the women, on March 8th, but it has changed during the recent years. But every Ukrainian has brought through their entire life, since the very childhood, with the language, songs, folklore and literature, the idea of Mother as a main person in human’s life, as the figure of each Mother impersonates the global «Mother-Ukraine» – caring, supporting, generous, and giving its best to her children (and to so many other children whom she treats like her own) no matter what

There are no shades and semitones during the war – it has only blacks and whites. It magnifies every phenomena or feeling, pushes them to the limit, and thus when we see the examples of love or heroism – we see them in their extreme manifestations, as well as evil, meanness and violence. And all this affects not only humans, but the animals as well. It breaks my heart very much, because, like kids, they are so dependent on us and so vulnerable. At the same time, unfortunately, people often do not treat animals the same way as children. And sometimes they don’t even perceive them as creatures who also have emotions and feel pain, and whose life is as valuable as human’s. That’s why, shamefully, there are so many sad stories about pets who suffered from this war – not only from the hostilities themselves, but from the humans’ cruelty and indifference.

Though I’m still certain that there is much more good around, and for each story of pain and death there are a lot of stories of love, friendship and true kindness. Of people who carry their pets in their arms while going dozens of kilometers by foot from the hostilities areas. Of volunteers who risk their lives evacuating animals from destroyed houses and ransacked farms. Of a fireman pumping out a cat that has breathed gas during a fire. Of a defender of besieged AzovStal plant, who shares his last food with a dog. And many more.

I will never forget how during the first days when Kharkiv was shelled, together with our neighbours we were hiding in the basement - and almost every person had their pets with them. We had around 7 cats, 3 dogs and a parrot then. No one could even imagine leaving them behind. I also remember the empty shelves with the pet food and supplies in every supermarket – in the first turn people were trying to stock everything for their little friends, as much as possible.

But I was happy to know 3 people who did (and still continue doing) a truly heroic job helping the animals. Two of them are the elderly women, neighbours of my Mom and my grandparents, who stayed in the dangerous areas of Saltivka and never left to the safer places, because all this time they were feeding and taking care of the dogs, cats and birds who lived in the yard. Every morning and evening Nadia and Alla were cooking a lot of porridge with meat or fish – because it was sometimes impossible to get proper pet food, and of course they couldn’t afford a lot of this food for their pension money – and went to feed dozens of animals near their houses. Alla takes care of six newborn kittens now. Nadia has a friend one-legged pigeon, who comes to her every day and takes food from her hand.

But the most heroic person that I have a pleasure to know – is Oxana, who owns a house next door to my grandparents’ Iryna and Eugene village house. I've only met her a year ago, but they have been friends with my grandparents for more than 5 years already. Before the full-scale war started, she already had sort of a private pet shelter in her house – she rescued cats and dogs from the streets, treated them, sterilized and tried to find new homes for them, but those for whom he couldn’t find a home used to stay with her. Last year she had around 30 cats and 10 dogs. She used to work remotely as an estate agent, so she could afford all the expenses, and her house and an adjoining territory was big enough – and it was just among nature, so all the pets enjoyed freedom and active life there. And they were really happy there. After the start of the invasion Oxana began to rescue pets all around Kharkiv. The village where she lives wasn’t affected by war much – it’s in the south from Kharkiv, and it wasn’t occupied, just some villages nearby were shelled a bit. But everyday she drove her car to the most dangerous areas of Kharkiv and its surroundings, reacting to the messages about pets in trouble or just passing by the streets, alone or together with her friend who also owns a shelter in another village. One of her friends volunteers was killed by the missile in North Saltivka, he had around ten cats in his place, so Oxana had to get somehow into this area when the shellings were the most intense, she risked her life to rescue those cats, but unfortunately she couldn’t rescue all of them. Many pets that she rescues are in a very bad condition, and it was a true challenge to treat them all properly during the first weeks, as many vet doctors have left and there was a real shortage of medicines, especially vaccines. Now the situation got better, but the problem of money remains most crucial for her, as she can’t work now, the only person who is able to work in her family is her daughter, she is a vet doctor in Lviv. Oxana raises donations among her friends on Facebook, and there she posts the reports and photos of the shelter. She works alone in the shelter – only two weeks ago a man who evacuated from the occupied village in Kharkiv region joined her, she gave him accommodation and food and he helps her to take care of pets. So far more than 100 pets are staying in Oxana’s shelter – cats, dogs, puppies, kittens. Oxana begins her work at 4 am and comes back home late at night, so she barely has any time for social media, that’s why she still doesn’t have Instagram.

My Mom and I are trying to help Oxana as much as we can – for now unfortunately only financially. And I’m using my social resource to share the info about her shelter and to raise some donations for her. For the money that people send her she buys food, medicine and other supplies, pays for the vet services and also gasoline, with which we now have real problems in Ukraine – it got much more expensive and there’s a huge shortage of it in the whole country. That’s why it is so important to continue supporting Oxana, because all these needs are permanent. We are trying now to connect with international volunteers who may help to move the pets abroad so that they can be adopted there. It was impossible during these two and a half months, as it is quite far from the EU border and it was very dangerous in Kharkiv. But now, as our army managed to throw the Russians away from the city and heavy shellings have finally stopped, we hope that we’ll be able to manage it somehow and soon all the pets will find new homes.

In the beginning of May I decided to leave Ukraine. On 18th of May my mother, cats and I started our journey from Kharkiv to the west. On 22d of May we arrived in Graz.

3 weeks ago I left Kharkiv and Ukraine and arrived in Graz. Bit by bit, with Mom and my two cats Mabel and Zucchini, we are settling down here and starting our new life.

All this time I was hoping that I would stay in Kharkiv till the very end, till our victory, my biggest wish was to greet my friends coming back home from abroad and from the other cities of Ukraine on our city’s main square where we’d then celebrate the victory together. But at war you shouldn’t make any plans or predictions – everything may turn around in a blink of an eye, even the things that you thought wouldn’t ever change.

We and Hlib broke up and it was something that threw me off track. There were so many reasons for that – and at the same time no particular reason at all. I guess the war does change people much, and also it highlights their both best and worst features, and makes them very prominent. And thus, for every story of a great all-conquering love there is a story of a painful break up, similarly as for every example of a true heroism there is an example of a stunning betrayal and cowardice. War pushes everything to the limit.

Anyway that moment I felt as a big punch at my stomach, kicking out from me all those vital resources that were still left. I understood that I need to change the environment to restore them, to regain my powers and continue my fight, that’s why I decided to leave Kharkiv and Ukraine and go to Austria. I felt so strange and so sad about this departure – that I was actually running not from the immediate and inevitable danger, that I was fleeing while many people were already coming back to Kharkiv. That days Kharkiv really seemed to have become a safer place, because the Russians were thrown away from the nearby areas, in some places even to the very country’s border – and so that the intensity of the shellings at some neighbourhoods, like Saltivka where my Mom lived, became much lower. It was weird that we stayed in Kharkiv during its most dangerous days, but then left when the danger seemed to have passed. Though very soon we found out that the danger never became smaller – the Russians continued bombing our city, they were just doing it from more long-range artillery. One day, after we have already left, there was an air strike to a vibrant neighbourhood – 9 people were killed, among them a family with a baby who have just recently returned to Kharkiv from the evacuation. And the authorities are warning all the time that the danger is still there. But I guess people just want to come back home so much – and also they don’t want to continue being refugees anymore – that they are ready to take this risk. Though I thought then that staying under the constant shellings won’t do anything good to my harmed mental condition, while I would be more useful and valuable for my country alive and healthy. And what also made me feel a bit better is the understanding that I have already done quite a lot in terms of providing people around the world a true information from the first hands about the war in my city and country. And that maybe in Europe I can still work as a certain ambassador, advocate of my Ukraine and Ukrainian culture, but this time in person, not online. That work might be good for my mental healing too.

I chose Austria and Graz because I knew that there are so many people, my friends, who have been there for me since the very beginning of the full-scale war. I was certain that they would help me, and what was also important is that I would have people to talk and to share my feelings with and of course to receive support. Also I have been to Graz 3 years ago as artist-in-residence in <rotor> association for contemporary art, so this city wasn’t something new and unfamiliar to me.

Mom agreed to come with me – she never stopped supporting me, and in these difficult times I felt again how valuable and important her support is for me. Unlike many of Ukrainians, we were lucky to have had time to pack all the necessary stuff and finish with all unresolved issues. Mom’s cats stayed with my grandparents – and we asked our friends to look after grandmas and grandpas and to take care of them. Though the shellings are continuing, the area where they live is still quite safe, but we keep in touch with them every day and check if everything is fine. We came with only two cats, because our car was small and all four cats wouldn’t fit in it, especially with all those bags and boxes that we wanted to bring with us.

Our road from Kharkiv to Graz took exactly 4 days, with night stops in Kyiv, Lviv and Krakow. On every stage many friends helped us, and that was really amazing, we felt again so much warmth and love that days. Arriving at a safe place, where there is no permanent danger of being killed in the air, feels very unusual. I understood that I don’t even remember what life used to be before the war. I couldn’t remember the atmosphere of peace and calmness, when you are able to make your daily routines and small pleasant things like morning jogging in the park or a cup of coffee in the park. When we were spending the night in Krakow, we stayed in a hotel near the airport – and the sounds of the planes landing and taking off made us shudder each time. And on our first day in Graz we heard a siren – it turned out to be a fire alarm, but my immediate thoughts then were «run to the shelter, now» and «we cannot escape it, it caught up with us even here». I started having dreams at night - mostly nightmares in which I run and hide again. When I wake up each time I remind myself that now I’m in a safe place, and that the Russians won’t get me here. Still, after 3 weeks, when walking in the parks and streets, doing groceries, meeting with friends, I feel like I’m cautiously waiting for something, listening to the air, unconsciously checking notifications on my phone. «Relax, it won’t fly here, it won’t strike you here», I say to myself again and again. But the most scary thing was a thunderstorm. I guess it will take a long time to get rid of those effects caused by the war.

What are the plans, people often ask me. Well, as I said before, I learned that it’s quite useless to make any plans these days, at least further than for 1-2 months forward. For now I know that I will stay in Graz at least by the end of the year. Mom wants to come back earlier, when it gets more quiet in Kharkiv, so she could launch her business there again and take care of grandparents and cats. I am making myself busy with different art projects and really looking forward to what this new period of my life brings me. But for sure I hope to come back to Ukraine, sooner or later. When we celebrate our victory, there will be so much work for all of us to do

Are Ukrainians angry at Europe?

During the recent month, especially after the leaders of France, Germany, Italy and Romania have visited Kyiv, many people from European countries asked me: why is there so many hateful comments from Ukrainians about our leaders in the social media? Aren’t these countries helping you, aren’t they supporting you all this time? And from my side I understand why this kind of a reaction from Ukrainians may seem strange or even rude for the people outside Ukraine. So let me try to clarify some things.

We, Ukrainians do not hate Europe, European countries and European people. We don’t hate at all actually. The only country we hate is Russia (and Belarus a bit, because their regime helps Russia in attacking Ukraine).

But we do feel outrage about some European politicians and some representatives of «intellectual elite». Because they still SERIOUSLY propose Ukraine to give up its territories to «save Putin’s face and end the war». They seem to consider these «territories» only as pieces of land, with no people on them, while for Ukraine its people are the most important, we care about each living soul and won’t just sacrifice them to Russia. They seriously say «weapon is bad and we shouldn’t give Ukraine any more weapons, because it makes the war last longer». Because they simply don’t hear us when we try to explain our perspective – they think that they know things better. What they do is westsplaining and truly colonial rhetoric.

It’s no exaggeration, I constantly hear these stories from my colleagues from the cultural field. One of my colleagues, for example, curated a show in Italy and had to explain each time why Ukrainians cannot (and won’t!) give up to the visitors. She also tried to make a show of Ukrainian art in Hague and the gallery refused because the show was «too political» for them. And there are a lot more stories like this.

The same with the politicians – we just can’t get it how people can seriously push us to negotiate and make concessions to Russia after everything what Russia has done to us, after the entire world saw Bucha, Irpin, Borodianka. And we can only imagine now what can be seen in Mariupol, Kherson and on other occupied territories. After the most recent horrible crime in the mall of Kremenchuk many people and even organizations have changed their approach a bit, they have made clear statements against Russia and some of them were very strict. But still some refuse to stop talking to Putin, even when they see that those talks don’t lead to anything. In those moments we are afraid that it may repeat once again – the situation when Ukraine is just a pawn in a game of big countries, and that some agreements would be made behind our back, so that we’d be pushed to sacrifice our freedom for «more important things».

But we do feel endless gratitude towards the European governments and people who help us so much, who truly support us – and who don’t just make empty promises or try to explain to us how we should do this and that because «they know it better». And I see that there are many more supporting people. Unfortunately, there are still unsupportive people in power. But what’s great about democracy is that people can influence and change things.

Women at war

Women at war is usually quite a difficult topic. The history of all wars so far were written by men, and women mostly played secondary roles in it – and unfortunately mostly the roles of innocent victims of horrible atrocities. It is still relevant for Ukraine’s war against Russia as well - there is a lot of evidence of obviously gender-based crimes committed by the Russian soldiers on every territory where they happen to appear. Violence against women became a form of demonstration of power, the kind of patriarchal imperialistic power that «the conquistador» wants to establish over the «colonized» nation.

Though in this war the world could clearly see some other examples of the roles that women can play. Not the role of a victim, and not a secondary role of waiting or mourning mother/wife/daughter of a soldier. But the very role of a warrior, who bravely fights alongside men at every frontier. I would say that Ukraine’s war against Russia is a pure example of a war against toxic masculinity and that imperial patriarchy which is long overdue for the dustbin of history (just look at putin himself, he’s a perfect embodiment of this).

For example, the Ukrainian military serves more than 30,000 women – which is more than in any NATO army (in percentage). Also there are many LGBTQA+ people in the Armed Forces and on the other frontiers, let’s not forget about it, day by day they become more visible and recognized!

Besides that, thousands of women are volunteering in different spheres, risking their lives to deliver humanitarian aid, rescuing people and animals, weaving camouflage nets, cooking for the military and civilians, helping cleaning the cities, etc etc. Also they continue working on their regular jobs, if it’s possible, to keep the country’s economy functioning and to earn money that they could donate right away to the volunteers.

Many women went abroad not only for their own safety and to protect their families, but to become ambassadors of Ukrainian arts, culture, science, etc in different exhibitions, forums and festivals (pretty much what me and my friends and colleagues are doing now). To make the world hear your voice it’s always more effective to be able to speak directly, being present physically on the spot, not just in a window of an online zoom call. That’s why many female artists and cultural workers are now speaking out abroad not only for themselves, but for their male colleagues too, because men cannot leave the country without a special permission, and also many male artists, scientists, poets and musicians are now in the army. I personally feel that female voices from Ukraine sound now worldwide stronger than they ever did before.

Women who do all this stuff – and those who don’t (because they are exhausted, or feel that they don’t have any resources of doing it, or simply are busy trying to survive, protect their family and not to go insane) – are visible and recognized in Ukraine. I can hear it in the language, in how authorities speak about women at war, and can see it in the representation of women at war in local media. It is becoming a common knowledge that women are equal to the men in this fight – all in all we are all equal in our desire to win and survive as a nation.

Of course there’s still a lot of work to do and a lot of problems – in the system and in society – but I feel that it is improving every day, feel these steps towards gender equality, though they may be very small. Though even those small steps already show how different we and our enemies are. While our women are fighting and working hard for the victory wherever it is possible – Russian women think only about the financial compensation they will get when their men are killed in Ukraine (not only because of the poverty and greed, but also because those men usually treat them like shit). Ukraine ratified the Istanbul convention against gender violence – even though it should have ratified it years ago, but better late than never – while in Russia gender violence is lawfully not even a crime. And many other examples. Simply worth taking a look on how their propaganda shows this war and any other wars – it’s an endless waterfall of testosterone and alfa-machism where any presence of something «feminine» means «weakness» and makes them react like vampires to a crucifix.

That’s why Ukraine will win – because it is all about the future. And I believe that very soon this ugly imperialistic monster that Russia is now will soon be wiped out by the waves of history, together with all those patriarchal beliefs, inequalities and injustice.